ever feel like everything is just so wrong and what makes it worse is that it has to come all together at one time.?
suddenly i saw my FB profile saying, "patience has its rewards" ...
for that, i realized.
I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
not in the mood to socialize. right now, nope.
sorry.
We had 4 hours of meeting.
4 bloody hours.
I think I wont be able to sleep tonight.
And I don't feel well.
And I turn 18 tomorrow.
Yes. 18.
Brief.
According to a mat rempit interview on Hitz.FM this morning Wikang is willy tayar belakang. Try to solve a long willy ? Longkang? hehehe.
Conversations.
Sometimes when you've been with someone for awhile, you can guess his/her responds towards certain issues.
me : malam ni chelsea vs. barcelona? you sokong yang mane?
mso : barca..
See, i know that he would sokong barcelona. and i know that he would answer it in short form with two dots at the end sebab dia nak cepat gi kerja.
Listening to Colbie Caillat's Realize made me wonder.
Can two people go into deep conversations with two cups of coffee?
or do they need more than two cups?
I realized that I needed to solve this statistically. If K is random variable for cups of coffee
then, the probability can be obtained by applying the Binomial formula
For n is number of people, and the probability of success, p = 0.8 (for coffee addicts) and probability of failure, q = 0.2.
P(K > 2) = ?
P(K > 2) = 2C2 * 0.8^2 * 0.2^0 = 0.64.
Hello ?? Salah jawapan ok. If K > 2, K must be 3, 4, .... and so forth. and our K is from 0 to n. Since n = 2. So conclusion is Most definitely yes. Since answer is 1.00. Like duh~~
Alright. I am officially sangaped from marking exam questions.
More coffee please?
Salam. It's 4.46 Thursday. I know I shouldn't be doing this. Blogging di waktu kerja. Tapi kepala rasa macam nak pecah, especially the right brain ( I use that a lot cause I am a leftie). Berdenyut2 pun ada (people say it's migraine, is it?) Anyways, I love this time of this hour because my classes for the whole week is now over. Woohoo!!!
I don't know why, I have been tired the whole week. Balik rumah je, after dinner and chores, I would sleep, tak sempat nak have the 10 mins LDR phone call with MSO. Senang citer, I am exhausted kot. But why ? I really don't know. Is it the time of the month ? (dah lepas.. ) Is it the workload? (biasa..) Is it the MQA? (dah lepas..) Is it the endless meetings? (thank God dah kurang..) Is it house ? (dah tak kacau dah..) Is it the food ? (asik makan je..) Is it my students? (biasa dah.. ) What is it really ? Why do I feel tired and bercampur baur stress sikit2 ? I have changed the position of my table in the office, I am trying to finish off the bakul bakul papers to mark... oh wait! that's it... the bakul bakul papers to mark... that's why....... heh~
I would like to quote this from my roommate, "Banyak dosa yang kita dah buat tanpa sedar, takkan nak buat dosa lagi bila sedar?"
Betul meg.
Tiba - tiba rasa nak berblog pada jam 4.58pm ni.
Pening.
Sangat pening.
Pening yang rasa nak muntah.
What's wrong with me?
I feel empty.
Tanpa disedari, today is already pay day.. Woohoo! dat would mean, pay bills, reload touch and go card, give $ to mom and dad, do minor shoppings, do major shoppings, save some for rainy day, save some for sunny day etc etc..
Tanpa disedari juga, (after not checking my pay slip for quite some time) today I realized that my income tax telah pun dipotong dengan banyak sekali! Damn it tol. I would be very much pissed with this income tax issue. [hmm, malas la nak citer pjg..]
Anyways, I'm glad I am still able to have pay days.. Thinking about those who got laid off by their companies due to the economic slowdown, I'm thankful I am in this industry and still have a steady job to go to despite having to wake up at 530 every morning and leaving the house when most people are still in deep slumber.. siap bole tido balik lepas solat subuh.. and now subuh masuk 610.. (takpe takpe.. saya pergi mencari rezeki... early bird catches the worm.. heheh) I hope that our economy will recover soon.. merisaukan lah.. and don't get me started on politics.. yikes!
Ye, kepala saya bengong la semenjak dua menjak nih (that's why this post ada banyak bahasa Melayu.. coz it's better to write in BM when you're in that state.. or at least, that's me lah). I've been very much absent minded and sometimes just.. absent. I'm there but I'm just not there, get it? So many things in my head at this moment I need to put every detail into a proper folder and rename each file (macam dalam computer jugak). I have about 3- 4 notebooks (as in, buku nota kecil, bukan notebook laptop) that I jot everything or anything that comes into mind. I bring those everywhere I go. Unlike MSO, I am not much of a PDA person, I like writing and scribbling.. like the old school style.. In the book, sometimes you may see formulas scribbled at the sides, unsolved integration problems, sketches of funny faces when I'm bored, signatures and notes, receipt numbers, quotes, thoughts, reminders, numbers, car plate numbers.. weird stuff.. that's me for ya..
And dikala masa ini, tiba - tiba rasa teringin sangat nak pergi on a holiday. I'll be going to Kuantan in early April for Michelle's wedding. We're gonna stay at a fancy hotel by the beach and treat ourselves lavishly macam orang kaya (konon) macam dalam citer Gossip Girl, Laguna Beach, The OC or One Tree Hill and worry about our credit card bills later :p . Wait, One Tree Hill citer orang kaya ke? I'm gonna do some serious photography session there ditambah dengan model - model yang sangat rajin bergambar.. It's gonna be fun in the sun!
oh, the meeting on friday was cool (in shah alam, of course).
Prof SK whispered to me nicely, "makan guna tangan kanan.. itu sunnah.."
WPM and I looked at each other and I said, "saya kidal Prof"..
he replied "sunnah Nabi tu makan pakai tangan kanan"...
so I smiled weakly and said slowly to WPM when Prof SK was not looking "but I've been using left hand bila pakai sudu since at least 20 years ago"
WPM said "you pandai lukis tak ? lukis cantik2 ? slalunya orang kidal ni artistic"
for 2 seconds I thought for a while. I know the answer is a big NO but I didn't wanna sound like such a loser so I said this, "erm.. I can play Music..? does that counts?"
WPM comforted me , "haaa see!"
He He.
oh ye, when I was busy doing my final exam questions, House called me to the office and said this,
"I like the slide presentation you did... You pandai la buat.. Betul, I really like it"
Suddenly, just like an eclipse, those negative vibes about House hilang buat seketika...
Sigh, camne?
** MQA coming next week. Wish me luck, wish us all luck. We're gonna need loads of those **
Funny from Desperate Housewives episode yesterday
Edie's Husband : You need at least an engineering degree to do that..
Mrs. McKlumsky : Oh yeah ? you got one of those?
There is a big question mark in my head leaving me with ambiguous answers. In my heart, the feeling of somewhat dangling and uncertain is silently disturbing. I don't know how to say it, or perhaps, if I did, I wouldn't want to be explicit about it. I am in a perplexed state of mind. In my soul, I am becoming lifeless and lively at the same time.
The my journey of my life, I have never crossed this junction. What could it be.. what could it be..
I received a memo today calling for a meeting in Shah Alam this Friday.
Suddenly, I felt that I'd rather be in Batang Berjuntai.
Why? God knows why...
So many updates. So many things happening. Alot of thinking to do (sampai terkeluar jerawat satu kat dahi). So little time.
Memo to a prolific political scientist and an Islamic activist
Dr. Farish Noor, will you help me? The article I pasted on my board in my office with a picture of you on it is disturbing. (Not in a bad way, I might say).
oh dear.. evil eyes are lurking..
I'm putting my Phantom of the Opera mask again and I'm off till things are cool again.. or should I consider moving to another domain ? Haris, I might need your help on this.
I really hate saying this, but as some people say toodles~
MSO was not feeling well today. After coming back from work, I was online and cooked for abit , made kek batik for the 2nd time (ok, i admit it. the first time punya x jadi. I forgot to put in 1 important item), prepared dinner and basuh pinggan and borak wif MSO.
The usual updating about current events which are abit of a froth. And then I realized something I should do to myself. Perhaps, I should be more KENTAL. The earlier conversation with ShazZain kinda hit me when she said, "sebab ko kadang2 blur benda2 mcmni", which we both agreed is better that overanalyzing things, rite ShazZain?
See, I sometimes can't see or can't read between the lines and get frustrated when the lines are clearly outlined (i do get lost in translation.. I mean, literally.. seriously..). But now, I decided not to weigh it too much over my head and just let it be.. Since I have enough weighing to do with alot of things coming up ahead..cause perhaps.. it Allah's way to protect me :)
Starts : 1025 PM
Someone once said to me, "Live your life without any regrets".
When I was much younger (mcm dh lame jer hehe), biasalah, budak2 mmg nakal sikit. Sikit jer. I like to try new things (konon experiment) and just break the rules (abit) once in a while (biasalah kot). So, when my students do crazy stuff or just trying to be the young ones they are right now, I kinda know some of their tricks (been there, done that).
However, I do not regret how I lead my life. I am what I am today because of what I was yesterday. So, alhamdulillah. Whatever mistakes I have done before is a lesson for me to learn, probably some bad experiences, or unwise decisions, I have dealt with and learned to live with it. I have never blamed anyone for what had happened to me.
Why this sudden post? See, I am working as an academician. And as an academician, I deal with a lot of people. And most people might say that my work is easy because I just teach. See, that is where people who assume that are wrong. I do not JUST teach, I believe that my responsibility goes beyond that. I am responsible to shape a person, academically. and I believe that I take my job very seriously. I have been a lecturer for about a modest 1 year and 3 months to be precise. And as far as I can remember, I have never regretted venturing in this line.
I always tell my students. "Please, do as I tell you. Don't have any regrets when you see your marks. Don't blame others for what you are responsible for. You have a big responsibility, to learn. and my responsibility is to teach and to guide you. So I take this big task seriously. and I hope you do too." Some take it seriously. Some just don't bother. Some want to but just do not have the strong willpower to do so. Whatever it is, I hope that my students will not have any regrets.
"If only I studied harder"
"If only I submitted my assignments"
"If only I paid attention in class"
"If only.... "
I remind my students and myself as well and the fellow readers.. Please.. have no regrets.. just live your life.. or just.. embrace life.. and just live.. Cause your life is a too precious and a beautiful gift for you to waste..
Please throw away all your regrets.. your negative vibes.. your anger.. your hatred.. your jealousies.. your sadness..
Wouldn't it be a waste if one day you wake up and you realized that all your life has been filled with all those feelings.. and you are old and have lived your life but was never happy.. never vibrant and never lived? Sayang kan ?
Ends : 1045 pm
The ones who can communicate well are the ones who can convey the message to others as clear as possible. without having people asking "apa yg dia ckp?" . if more than one person asks the same question, that would mean the speaker did not convey the message clearly.
I went to a course yesterday and a speaker spoke of "kejelasan penjelasan". which made me laugh like a hyenna. heh heh.. interesting stuff.. even though towards the end, there were less than 25 people who stayed. lucky for me, i stayed till the end. not because i am skema or what, i feel that its unfair for people who has already worked hard for organizing the seminar, we should be thankful that we gained more knowledge through such events.
there's just one thing that bothers me though. i am right now, lost, in translation. i guess, most of the time i try so hard to be as clear as possible, that it becomes something that is so abstract and in the end, i myself get lost. really i do. so i have decided to be on hiatus on my thoughts and translations that got me lost at the first place. i wanna untangle the entangled bit and rationalize the irrational misconception concepts. "kejelasan penjelasan".
i remember things were much easier in the 80s. see. thats one of my flaws. i am still living in the past. and i look to far above and beyond. i don't really 'live' in the present. i admit that that is one of my weaknesses that took me to a turn into getting lost.. in translation.
no matter how clear you are, how certain you may be, you might just get lost somewhere in the middle.. somewhere through this journey. i tell my students.. those are called alpha.. or Type 1 error in hypothesis testing. see, in statistics, one powerful tool to analyze is using hypothesis testing when you make and assumption and allow a certain level of errors cause you are never 100% sure of your assumptions.
So what to do now? Is there evidence to Reject H null ?
Gosh, just for this one bit, i do not have the answer...
watching SUPERHOT jessica alba (oh, come on.. am i wrong??) in Into The Blue made me feel like jumping in here :
Wish I could have this one day:
Dari manakah asalnya gambar2 nih ? Definitely not from me. Hehe.. I told my students to go on a holiday after their finals to refresh, rejuvinate and rewind (sepatutnya unwind tapi nak jugak the re- hehehe ).
After giving their Test 1 results, ada yang muka2 hampa, muka2 terkejut, muka2 (aku dah agak dah), and ada yg muka whatever... So I gave them a little boost in their confidence.. I don't think I am their favourite lecturer and I definitely teach their least most favourite subject, hehe.. But I think I can dive into their minds a little and put myself in their shoes. So I try my best to be the one lecturer that they are not afraid of to ask questions at the same time not the one they can mess around with.. (not an easy job, really) .. But its a teaching and learning process.. everyday i teach and i learn new characters, new tricks, old tricks (been there, done that), new perspective, new ideas on how to make the learning experience exciting and memorable. Only that, the one who evaluates me (SKT aka dalam bhs omputih is KPI) are the ones who never entered my class. based on surveys conducted during the end of the semester. where students just tick 5, 5, 5, 5, 5, if they like the lecturer or 1,1,1,1,1 for their least favourite lecturer.
In statistics, to test the reliability of the survey data is through Cronbach alpha. but how sincere are we when we answer survey forms? being a statistician myself, when i answer survey, i can say that 80% of the time I am honest, the rest of the time, i just wanna finish it quickly and get it over with. but there are times that i really answer the survey honestly when i feel that they can benefit from it. with the hopes that from that data, they can somehow formulate a new solution for the issue addressed in the survey.
Anyway, I'm thinking of changing to DiGi. Since I can maintain my supercool number.. hehehe.. Or should I wait for other networks to announce their MNP and see which gives the superlowest offer ?
Gimme your thoughts DiGi people ? Will they follow me ? Like everywhere ? Even in my campus yg jauh dan selalu takde line Maxis itu ? Seems like all networks are all out in marketing their services. I think at one point, the sms service will be free... will they ? u think ? remember in 2000, smses used to be 30sen and for one darned misscall yang sempat diangkat will cost you 60sen. and a frigging prepaid costed me rm238! i can top up a few ringgit and almost buy new lenses! that was the value at that time..
heh, remember the days without hp ? and public phones ? and meeting up in a middle of kl and not get lost? those days were based on trust, punctuality and public phones.. i think we took for granted that since mobile phones are well... mobile, we tend to procastinate and became less punctual. cause it's just a phone call away. so these days are based on handphones, smses and.. internet.. which is not a bad thing if we use it wisely..
okla, tajuk blog ni makin lama making pjg and labels pun dah jadi banyak sbb dia rojak kan.. so i'll stop now.
**actually i was waiting for someone to come around while writing this.. maybe dia penat kot**
ich vermisse dich
I said earlier this year 2008 is going to be a great year. So far, it has been great alhamdulillah. There has been a lot of events that had contributed to the greatness of 2008. There are some ups and downs of course.. Tetapi Allah itu maha adil.. Everything is a test for you from Allah.. However, it's not a great a year for our politicians. Mainly Pak Lah lah. And DSAI also.. Juga ujian Allah for them.
But if I could capture the faces of people yang cuak, when they see other people progressing, or moving on or having good things going on for them, I could really make money with that portfolio.
The expression on their faces, PRICELESS.
Kenapa orang cuak apabila orang lain progressing ? What is actually in their minds ? Kenapa ada orang wonder how much you take home every month, where you get the $ to live the lifestyle that you're living in right now? Kenapa ada orang tanya those kind of things ?
For me, easy. i know its mean, but i just couldn't help but to see their cuak faces. So i make them cuak a little bit more. Kejam ? yes. But for them to make speculations about me? Kejam? Definitely.
The past few days or weeks has been quite full for me. The first week of June we had ICE (industrial career exhibition) which in my opinion was a complete flop (sorry, i just had to say it). I mean really... I think many would agree with me on this.
I have been observing and thinking a lot lately about the things that has been happening around me. Work especially. Last two days i almost literally had a heart attack when i saw our poster written, "TOUNGE TWISTER".. see, even as i am writing this, blogger indicated that the spelling is wrong.. Is there a new thing that's called TOUNGE TWISTER ?? I mean, seriously.. how can you make such a MAJOR mistake ?? ok, i am not perfect, i guess humans make mistake.. but that's when your superior comes in, to check and counter check on your subordinates' work. sigh.. i might be condemned for writing this.. but i just had to.. even if someone might read it.. this is just my point of view.. of course.. i am just a lecturer.. i am not a head of program, i am not a dean, i am not a Professor or Doctor .. yet.. but i am just a lecturer.. who could see this mistake..
Monday was a big shocker to me. a memo came in. "Meeting for ....." aduh malasnyer aku... see, i feel so small when i am sitting with heads and big big people with big big minds.. and titles. its a good exposure i agree.. so i had two choices..
1. be all negative : "eeee malasnyer... tak suke nyerrrrr.. oh mannnnn"
2. be all positive thinking : "orait.. its okay.. i love going to meetings"
Guess what? i choose to be negative.. and i got exactly what i chose... the whole week was full of negativity..
and things got even worse when on thursday, each and every form of communication was down.. the phonelines, faxes, internet, handphone reception were all OUT OF SERVICE. that's how bad it was.. i was going crazy..
the best part was, at the end of the day we received a memo.. kena bayar RM 100 monthly that will be deducted from our salary for staff bus service.. "oh things are just getting better and better... sigh"
i felt like screaming.. i recalled how the day went. i met with my superior trying to get the juicy details about what was happening to our faculty... sedih sedih.. i can't write it here though
I realized this. I understand that we are a business entity. And in the education line, education is our product.. I remembered my old colleague said, the best business to venture into is education business. Education is always valuable.. everywhere.. That explains why tuition teachers are earning big bucks. Part time lecturers are always doing part time everywhere and anywhere possible.
So in education business line, students are our customers.. The fundamentals in business is, you aim for profit of course.. even a 9 year old can tell you that. But sometimes, when we stop and stare at the whole scenario in education business line, it's sad to see the that the institution refuse to invest in long term.. "So we offer programs that are cheap and not costly. Program yang tak payah pakai lab besar2.. Because science labs are expensive. Satu bikar yang pecah je dah RM 2 - 3 ." yes. oh, so you can forget about having computer labs. computers are obsolete. computers are big and bulky and once ada virus jer, that's it. "softwares? tak payah beli software mahal2.. download jer from the internet yang free2.. or just buy kat low yat ada banyak" I have to stop now. i am being too extreme and emotional.. i am afraid that i might just jeopardise my work.
But the week ended with something nice and pleasant.. sometimes a cup of coffee with some old friends helps.. and a 2 minutes talk with ur significant other is another bonus.
Bila berdoa, hendaklah specific. Bila berkata - kata, hendaklah ikhlas. kerana kata - kata itu adalah doa..
It amazes me that how people are trying so hard to be down to earth/ humble (so called) up to a point when they share to everyone that they're leading a very sad and difficult life.. aku orang susah, aku takde duit, aku kerja mcm nak mati pun aku takde duit.. semua bende susah, semua bende tak dapat.. ko senang la.. ko ada itu, ko ada ini, ko takde tu, ko takde ni.. aku ada tu, aku ada ni.. aku susah.. ko senang.. I guess they splash those kind of remarks and statements with the hopes of others feeling sorry for them (usually it works).
It's different really. When someone is genuine or not. Just like those Prada bags you see at Jalan Bukit Bintang.
I am not a pious person but my parents thought me to be grateful even though you are going through obstacles in life.. there are other people who are going through tougher times.. I know I know.. I wrote about this so many times before.. but I can't help but writing it again as a reminder to myself.. as an eye opener..
Well hey, everbody has problems. I have my own.. I get angry or upset or depressed or sad sometimes but I guess I prefer to keep it to myself. Cause I experienced trusting the wrong people.. And I ended up being angry and frustrated of my bad judgment. Not because of that person, but because I trusted too much.. Ikhwan said to me once, "too much of something is not good."
I think I do not enjoy negative vibes kot. Well, at least not now. Not when I have sprained my ankle (again) with a stomach ache to go with it. Morrie says on emotions, "Embrace it. Detach from it."
Can I not embrace negativity now?
I'm still looking for a good and cool template for my blog.. kan ke best if i know how to buat sendiri.. pakai html and stuff instead of picking from blogger's template...
Well, i kemas my room today. and i saw some old postcards that i still keep from my dad, brother and sister, my cousins and friends..
Remember those days when we used to send postcards and letters to say hi and update people about how we're doing? Since cellphones are widely used nowadays, we seldom get any postcards or letters from our relatives or friends kan? Perasan x? All we get are just credit card bills, catalogs, ASTRO bills, phone bills, semua pun bill bill lah kan? Bila time raya je kot dpt card raya... Did you get any this year?
Lame2, postman takde kerja... the indian man yang jual roti pun nnt dah takde kerja.. plus, the ice cream man yang bunyik kan loceng kol 3 petang pun dah takde kerja nnt..
The Domino Effect. Ever heard of that? Probably when you work, especially yang ada hierarchy2 ni akan merasainya.. One person lambat hantar report, everybody gets the effect.
Ok sebenarnya mcm malas nk blog now. but just had to say that.
Correction on the previous blog, the spiritual part is not weak. what i meant by spiritual is maybe my energy kot. will blog tomorrow when i put on my blogging-cap.
PS: Good luck bb babuji on your first day at work tomorrow :)
been a tiring week.
just tired.
really tired.
mentally.
physically.
emotionally.
spiritually.
i can just lay down and immediately fall asleep.
and when i open my eyes again, it's 530 am and the baby's crying.
and i'll say in my head "alaaaaa awal lagi... kasi la tido smpai kol 6 bole x?"
5.55 am : Open and close my eyes again just to get another few mins
5.59 am : Walk to kitchen
6.00 am : Pour tea so that i won't burn my tongue when i have my breakfast
Still 6.00 am : Take towel and baring abit more
6.06 am : Walk into bathroom
6.20 am : Walk out of bathroom
6.21 am : Subuh
6.26 am : Dress for work + Make up
6.40 am: Panaskan engine + Breakfast
6.45 am: Reverse kereta
7.10 am: Unisel Shah Alam
Pretty routine huh?
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