those late night shows

Today's German word of the day is die Antwort - reply

In German, the w is pronounced like a v. and the v is pronounced like an f.

I would rather know the truth even though it hurts rather than being comforted with a lie.

This was taken from The Kite Runner. I thought the words are beautiful. Something that we all can relate to really.

In many cases, we could see the vast difference between a man and a woman. I agree that woman are more inclined to using their emotions (I am a woman) and men (manly man) handles most issues using their minds. Which makes them (men) a more appropriate candidate to lead a family. God created woman with such delicacy and perfection, and how complicated we may seem, inside and out, physically and emotionally, we are important to mankind. God created woman after He created man. A woman is made from a man's rib. Close to his heart to be loved and above his feet to be respected.

In The Muslim Bride, I learned a lot of things. Not only how to be a Bride for the day, but also a wife and a daughter and inshaAllah one day a mother. I realized that Allah made men and women not equal. But fair.

Yes, I do miss my husband dearly. Perhaps there are no words could really describe how I feel (sounds like in a song) but really I do. And somehow along our conversations, I know that he misses me too, he may not say it as it as often as I do. but I know he does. coz i know him.. I understand that he has a lot of things going on.. and how I wish I could be there to lessen his burden.. to greet him with a hug and a kiss everytime he comes back from work.. to serve him to eat after a long hard day work.. and bring him sweet deserts and green or red cordial drinks.. to pretend washing dishes after dinner and quietly watch him while he quietly reads my blog to check out what his wife has been up to, to hang out with him playing guitar hero and watch Conan O Brien or 30 rock or Eureka till late night.. I hope and pray that those days will come again soon, inshaAllah..

I know that he loves me as much as I love him. And I also know that he wants me to be patient... cause he is being more than patient.. and he is a much stronger person than I am.. for that, he is my better half.. for that, i too, have to be patient... Maybe I haven't been what I am supposed to be, to I haven't been doing what I should have done.. but I will try to be more patient now.. ok bb ? :)

For you, a thousand times over..

Thinking of you
Thinking of you
Cause in your eyes, I'd like to stay... I love you bb..

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oblivious

i decided not to count days anymore.. just let time pass by without me realizing it..

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yes people, Obama and I have our differences

Barack Obama's slogan was Change We Can Believe In. One thing obama and I have in common is that we love to watch entourage. But we also have our differences. Change.

Ikhwan knows very well that I am a very sentimental person. Every item will have a sentiment that sometimes can drive a person mental :p My pink motorola RAZR v3 (my 26th birthday present from my husband [boyfriend back then hehe] ) is broken and this time I think it can't be fixed. Today I went searching for a new phone. Though it breaks my heart, I decided to go with Motorola razr v3i . A model closest to it. Even if it has a pink color, I would buy it. regardless of how much it'll cost (within my budget la).

Sadly, I was greeted with a omigod-are-u-kidding-me look when I asked for that model.

'They don't produce it anymore laa.. It's a 2005 model.. You try nokia? we got offer one... '

No. No no-kia. I want my motorola. I fell in love with it the moment they advertised it in 2005 (a significant year) the techno-virtual-dance advertise. Back then, I could only dream of owning such an expensive phone. And it looked cool too. Hey, Meredith Grey used it. JD (Scrubs) acted several episodes with it.

Where can i find my motorola razr ? I have bonded with it for almost 2 years now.. and when i flipped, we clicked. there's a chemistry between us that reaches a level of frequency where many could not comprehend..

For me to change to nokia ? Sorry Obama, this is one change I am not ready to believe in.. It might take a while as I have been loyal to my motorola.. defending every mock and denying every gossip about it.. Be it old fashion, oldskool or oldies even.. For me, there's no phone that can replace my motorola razr v3i.. in pink...... even if there was, it won't be the same..

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khaled's stories

'When you fall you will rise'

That's on my FB status now. Of course people would comment. Most active follower I know for sure would be my sister.

I guess God wants me to rest for a bit now. I know that He knows.

What's good out of it is that I get to indulge in one of the greatest novels ever written. Ikhwan mentioned quite a number of times about 'The Kite Runner'. So I decided that it's a good book to invest on.

I read word by word, quenching my thirst of new ideas. Transforming every sentence to emotion. Visualizing and connecting to what Khaled Hosseini had beautifully written.

I am a slow reader. And I read slowly while diving myself to the world of imagination. A tear dropped. and another. and another.

This guy is really good.I will put this book as a must read, at least once in a lifetime.

Next in line is 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'

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black-eye Ps

Im starring in a new drama. The main character would be me. and the storyline is interesting because there are 3 plots, my work, my personal life and my life with Ikhwan.

At work would be me handling kids at school (university) with various acts. Sometimes I would feel like Michelle Pfieffer (spelling) in Dangerous Minds. Or Coach Carter in Coach Carter. Personal life would be things that I consider time for myself and for my family and friends.. and last but never the least, a huge part of my life would be life with Ikhwan. Though we are physically apart, but we make time for each other.

So this week's episode of my life would be what happened to me starting Wednesday night. See, I gave my students a proving problem (which I LOVE to do but students dont). The question was simple :

If X follows a normal distribution, using the moment generative function, prove that the sample mean of X follows the sampling distribution of the mean. Easy right ?

Wrong. I just tried to solve it and got stuck at the McLaurin series (which I dread to do soo much). I started to regret giving them the problem.

However, remember the genius prodigy ? He managed to solve it by giving me four pieces of the solution. Complete with all the McLaurin series, differentiation, and i saw he used limits too. Yes, the mathematical approach.

When actually, the solution only took about 8 lines.

So on Wednesday night, I brought back all my statistical inference text books and studied really hard for the Thursday class. I have full 6 hours straight of statistics class on Thursday. A challenge to my patience and physical ability especially in Ramadhan. To top it off, it was my turn to drive. Plus, I was staying up for the 830 class.

1130 pm, I was online with Ikhwan (yes the other part of my life that I mentioned). We chatted for abit and he asked me to sleep. 'Ok' I said. Yes, I intended to sleep. But my hands were doing the cha-cha dance on the A4 papers and my mind were intrigued by the fact that I was gonna teach them Order Statistics. A part in Sampling Distribution that most people hated most (me too, once) but I mastered it beautifully. Each and every formula, steps, integration, distribution and range were nicely solved. And I realized it was 1am. Gasps! Oh no.!

So I woke up at 5 for sahur. And couldnt sleep much later on. By 7am, I was already late. I turned up my engine and decided to go to the loo before my long journey. I wore purple that day. Purple hijab, black blouse and my new purple Espirit sweater I bought at Metzingen. It is my current favourite color now.

Suddenly, it all happened so fast. I slipped. My head hit the wall, my knee hit the John and my legs hit the opposite of the other wall (small toilet). And just like that, I was once again lying on the floor of my bathroom. My mom heard me said, 'Adoiiiii' and she knocked on the toilet door and asked if I was ok. I just kept quiet as my head was spinning like a record. For a solid 1 minute. I just laid there. And thought, 'Really? Again? This is happening to me.. again? Really?'

I managed to get up and thought I could still make it to work. I imagined the prodigy, the students faces, getting ready for class. I just couldn't let them down. But I also saw in the mirror. There was a big bruise on my forehead that looked like a pingpong ball. And I was not a nice view.

2 minutes later, I was on my bed and my mom gave me a cold compressor. 1 hour later, I woke up from sleep and realized my whole body was aching. I saw my back, and they were black-blue. And it's still there. I woke up and tried walking. Thankfully, I could walk. Just not properly.

Doctor said my blood pressure is low. And I should see him if I vomit as it could be internal injury. As for now, I am just lying on my bed at home, with a black eye (the blood clog has come down as the doctor said it would), reading and enjoying my latest book collection, The Kite Runner, and at times, facebooked abit for some quizzes.

Some drama. Hmm, 3rd time I fell in the toilet this year. 6th time I fell in two years. It's not them, it's me.

There must be some good out of this. There must. I believe it.

** Bb, I'm sorry I didn't sleep when u asked me to.. :( the math was taking over me... thanks for the love and prayers.. hugss bb **

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water over wine ?

I gave this unknown theory to some of my friends. Today I found out that the theory I gave was inaccurate. Sorry. Instead of 72 hours to take action from when you want to start something, its supposed to be 48 hours (sorry cikyah, wrong info). Please refer to Dr. Fazilah Kamsah on this.

Speaking of Dr. FK, I love to watch his motivational series on OASIS. Since we don't have astro anymore, I only get the chance to watch it when I go to my sister's place or my brother's house. So I was watching it today before iftar, and an interesting quote caught my attention. 'Rasulullah SAW tidak suka pada orang yang berputus asa. Syaitan gemar dengan orang yang berputus asa.'

Giving up. A word that has never been in my dictionary. People who are really close to me would know that I am a very optimistic person, even when the odds seem ridiculous. My tag line would be, 'I will find ways' when at times the roads may look like a dead end. What amazes me most is that God works in mysterious and miraculous ways. And somehow, I worked my way through with the help of Allah. Yes, Allah is always with me. Allah is always with us. Through thick and thin. Prof Razak, a mathematician, a mentor to others and a fellow Muslim shared this and I will remember it always. 'Allah is always with us. When you start anything, you say, bismillah. When you are in doubt, you say, insha Allah.. When you are grateful, you say, Alhamdulilah. Thats what makes Muslims closer to our Creator.'

I consider myself a secrative person. Boleh laa.. my posts are not always about daily things or updates on my life..(only just recently) sometimes its more of a thought of what has happened or something that I would like to think or ponder upon. After trusting the wrong people, its hard for me to share things that are too personal. Some things are better left unsaid. I don't blame them. I blame myself for being too naive and having the wrong judgment call. But there's always something that I can learn from the experience. From that experience, I believe that trust is something that must be gained. It is the total opposite from respect. A person will have my respect until he/she does something to lose it. Simple yet strong words. Trust and respect. Those are strong fundamentals in any relationship. Student - teacher, mother - daughter, father - mother, friend - friend, husband - wife.

I'd like to quote from Dr. FK, 'Allah turunkan musibah kerana Dia menyayangi kita. And tidak mahu kita berputus asa. Kerana di hujungnya, Allah akan menghadiahkan kita dengan nikmat dan rahmat' Cant remember the exact words but that's what he meant.

So maybe when you see someone living a good live and starting to have envious thoughts or comparing your live with them, think for awhile. What that person has gone through to be where he / she is now. The hardships, the sacrifices, the difficulties. They might not share it.. simply because perhaps it was too painful or personal.

I don't memorize versus and quote from them, I wish I could though. Perhaps my knowledge is like a tiny stone in the middle of the ocean. But I learned from experience, mine, and others.. All apologies if this post might have offended anyone. I am just another blogger, with thoughts coming in the middle of the night.

Just take things one step at a time, and everything will be ok cause I know He listens to every thoughts and prayers...

Having said all that, would you choose, water over wine to hold the wheel and drive.. (think really deep. the meaning)

*p/s : i wanted to make the post title 'all apologies' by nirvana but i thought 'water over wine' is wayy cooler, dont u think ?

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memories : new life

i watched bride wars about 2 months ago and remember the wedding planner said, 'as at now, you are dead.. until you are married.. now ? yeah, you're dead'

last week i was having something that people might call it, psychotic stress syndrome. (need not to elaborate on that), hence, the previous previous post.

today while hanging out with my brother and sister in law, suddenly i took out my wedding album and we looked at the pictures, again. it was all a nice feeling. remembering the days. and i looked at the date, i thought, it's been one month. one month since i left germany. one month since i was in the arms of my loving husband. ikhwan always say, dont think about it too much. yes, i tried not to think about it too much. but sometimes the vision comes to me. the wedding, the akad. and sometimes when i close my eyes, it was as though i was really there. imagining walking with him, swinging our arms as we walk to the grocery store, and i would talk and talk and talk and he would listen and sometimes joke around. and everytime, he has to correct my german words and say, 'kan i dah cakap dah..' and walking back from the grocery store, we would walk less slowly because we had to carry the groceries in our bags and he would look at me and say, 'sian dia..' and i would say in a tough voice, 'takpe takpe takpe' though it was heavy but it didnt matter, because he was next to me.. and the burden that we share, i would want to carry it too..because we are a team.. through thick and thin..

everything. almost every single memory. it still clear, in my head, and in my mind. though it has been one month that i didnot see him, it feels like forever.
though it has been 2 monts plus that we got married, it feels like it was only yesterday that we were playing n running around the hall during the rehearsal.

my dear ikhwan, you said 'u have to write'. i write for you. i miss you..

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memories : 5th Ramadhan

two years ago, i landed myself on a job as a lecturer. working in a far away land where cars have to stop if cows are crossing the road. something which i would open my eyes widely cause we don't get this view in the city.

after i got my first salary, the treating everyone in the family ritual took place. and i bought a special present for someone special.. i bought a little elmo for an angel..

the angel had his own favourite stuffed animal.. it was a cozy bear, and it looked just nice and cute placed next to him.. the angel would open his eyes widely whenever he hears the song, 'orange' and would give us the warmest smile that would make all the worries go away..

trips to the hospital was something that i would look forward for.. sometimes just sitting next to him and watching him breathe peacefully in deep slumber was the best thing ever..

God blessed our family with an angel.. an angel that brought us joy, he was loved and cared for so dearly.. because he was special.. he was our little angel brought from heaven..

on the 5th of ramadhan, 2 years ago, Allah took this angel..because he was simply special.. he was terlalu istimewa... he was the chosen one.. to be sitting among all the other angels.. and he is just our little angel watching us from above...

Dear Rafiq, you are always in our hearts.. and will never be forgotten. and i know that you would be just as notty, cheeky and cute as your twin cousins, running around our house and playing around.. sometimes when i watch them, i would think of you.. and wished that you could be with us and watch you grow to be a good man.. but you are at the gates of heaven now.. and you are always and always will be.. our little angel.. sent from above... you showed us remarkable strength that lies from within.. you were truly a strong and special baby... we miss you rafiq... and we love you so much.. rest in peace..

Al- fatihah for my late nephew Rafiq Danish Amir.. (he would be almost 3 years old now)...

today, it rained after two hot days. hujan rahmat..

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stop right now, thank you very much.

a weblog is like a place for you to pour your heart out about something that means something to you and perhaps nothing to some other people. there are times that you might blog about nothing but its something to others. on some occasion, the something to you could be nothing to some but everything to some others. other times, it's just like another medium to convey subliminal message to people who might read it.

the main thing is, we blog because we want to blog. for us to read, for others to read and digest. for us to remember things that we might forget later on and for many reasons.

for me, this one small person will blog when she feels like it. and now, i just dont feel like it (ironically, i am doing it right now). perhaps bcoz i am starting to get busy with work. or i want to make myself busy with work. i choose this.

and life is all about choices. and i choose this. this is my choice. and i am living it. yes, sometimes i might stop and think and wonder about things, or ask questions but i do not regret any single bit of it. ich bereue nichts. nichts davon.

so now, i chose this. stop.

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frog throat

have u ever felt like there's something stuck at your throat and it's hard to get it out ? and if it stays long enough, it might just eat your insides alive ?

well, i have.

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