kepada yang membaca

>> Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Sometimes when a person that has a good heart, a person who is sincere, it shows. He/She does not need to parade his/her deeds.

To the person who has helped me in a way that I am so grateful for.
To the person who doesn't have any idea what she did means a lot to me.
To the person who is sincere and has a good heart.

To that person, (you know who you are and I know you will read this eventually), I am truly grateful. I pray that Allah will buka pintu rezeki untukmu dan keluargamu. I pray that Allah will give you happiness and blessings and protection for you and your family. And I pray that one day insyaAllah, you will have what you wish and pray for everyday..

For I know that you truly have a good and sincere heart. Thank you so much.

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my body.. touch my body

Lately, I have been having aches all over my body. I have been feeling fatigue and tired. I told MSO and my room mate about this.

Dora : Badan rasa macam penat2 la.. bukan macam dulu.. lepas kelas bole lagi nak buat apa2.. now lepas kelas terus... flat.. what's up ye ? izzit the age ?

Meg : Perhaps you're tired kot.. It's not physically tired je tau.. Mentally tired jugak..

Dora : (nodding my head with agreement) Perhaps la meg.. perhaps kan..

MSO feels that I need to go for a massage (which I am soo gonna do one day.. if I find the time)

I DO NOT take any supplements. Sorry I just don't believe in it. (Sebenarnya I cannot swallow pills). I know that I should take Vitamin B Complex and some others that I do not bother to remember. (Jahat kan?) But I just.. CAN'T.

So what's left? Pati Ayam Brands with Ginseng which tastes sooo kelat and tak larat nak bau. I stopped taking those for awhile.. and perhaps till it expires. (Jahat2..) No la.. I will start doing something.. Starting tomorrow.. (Why not today?) Cause tomorrow is 1st of April (so what?) I dunno.. I just feel like starting tomorrow.. Hehe..

Hopefully, dengan izin Allah, badan saya akan lebih bertenaga :)

*Open up your heart and be sincere in everything you do*

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my first time : chow kit road

>> Sunday, March 29, 2009

We woke up as early as 6am for Subuh prayers and had heavy breakfast. My friend Michelle came over to see me for the last time before her wedding next week. As usual, we had our hoo-haa jokes and the usual berterabur laughs.. and then, i watched her as she drove off with her fiance's Gen2. There goes my friend, dah nak kahwin dah kau ye..

I quickly had my shower and we picked up my cousin Mimi and headed to KL. Specifically, Chot Kit. "Ooooooo.. sini la Chow Kit Road eh?" ... I said while watching out the window macam tourist dari German. Hehehe..
"Dora!! tak penah gi Chow Kit ke? " my cousin asked.
"Dia mane penah pergi area2 nih.. " Mama replied.

Yup. I know. I've never been to Chow Kit Road. For (COUGH) 2* years of my life, that was my first time. To be honest, it didn't look that scary at 10am. We got a nice parking and headed to our destination. Mencari barang - barang perhiasan dan keperluan.

But, things got really freaky when we walked at Pasar Chow Kit. Fuiyoo.. I've been to a lot of markets.. But this pasar, the way the penjual mempromosikan barang - barang dia, mcm nak cari gadoh.. And my cousin brought us to places yang macam ghetto jugak lah.. hehehe but it was one experience la for me.. hehehe

Later on, we headed to Jalan TAR. I felt a lot safer there.. We reached home at 3..

Suddenly, even at this time, its still sunday, i am already having my Monday blues..

The weekend went by just like that. I got what i wished for. I wanted time to move fast. And it is moving very fast.

Can I wish for happiness, success and Allah's protection and blessings for me and my family?

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my support for earth day

>> Friday, March 27, 2009

I took 'time off' from the office today to settle some errands. when i reached home, it was pouring rain. my plans for the weekend are going to KL (chow kit area) to get some stuff. yup, i will bring my SLR along and will post some pics too :)

It has been a fast moving March (marching March). Sedar - sedar je dah end of the month. The semester it almost ending now. How do I feel ? I feel happy and satisfied. I feel that I have improved my teaching skills alot this semester, alhamdulillah. And hopefully, I'll keep the momentum going till forever :)

It's Friday night. And no, I do not have any plans of going out for drinks at mamak tonite for some reason I cannot explain.

Next week it'll be April. And I will turn (cough) 18 on 6th May 2009. I think I wanna throw myself a birthday bash this year.. hehehe.. or perhaps.. someone might plan a birthday bash surprise FOR me... wouldn't it be superbly cool hehe!

Btw, don't forget to switch off your lights from 830 - 930 tomorrow for the Earth Day!

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celebrating life and accepting death

>> Monday, March 23, 2009

On Saturday night, I had a deep and long talk with MSO. A lot of stuff. It had led us to one topic. Life. Celebrating life. Without realizing, I was talking about how thankful I am that I am able to just live. Live life. I wake up everyday feeling happy, alhamdulillah. I get to live for another day. Alhamdulillah for everything that I am blessed with. No matter how hard things might get, I believe Allah is with me. Everytime.

I woke up at 6 on a Sunday morning when my mother read the SMS on her handphone and said, "Achik manap dah meninggal.." My uncle who has been in ICU for a month in Taiping had just passed away.

It was somehow expected but unexpected. On Saturday my mother just updated me on his status. He was unconcious after his operation and after so long, yesterday, he finally was concious and was able to talk and greet people like normal but of course very weak after his operation.

It was also my nephew, Aman's 5th Birthday celebration. But unfortunately, we could not go since we had to drive up to Taiping to pay our last respect to my dear uncle. At 9, we stopped by at Bukit Subang and gave Aman's presents and hung out with him for awhile. After that, we drove to Taiping and finally reached there at 1.00 pm.

Taiping. I once said to Meg, I don't mind staying in Taiping. It's such a nice place to stay. My uncle's house was just nearby Tesco Taiping. I used to hang out at his place almost every fortnight while studying there. And I can eat nasi kosong at his house for one whole place because the nasi there is just nice. He would buy for me and my parents kuih like goreng pisang or ubi goreng for tea. And the water at his house is as cold as the water in the Bukit Larut waterfalls.

My late uncle is a penchant man. He raised 5 good sons and they inherited his talent in arts. They're all architect or at least doing something in that area. He would go to the mosque with his motorbike and reads Harakah and talk about politics with anyone that passes by. He was very friendly. And he and his wife would buy one meal and share the meal together. Which I think is very sweet for a 70+ year old couple.

My late uncle. The one who teases me every time he meets me. "Kamu ni duduk umah Wan Yong, disuruhnya masak sambal petai.. ye?" My late uncle. Who loved to talk with just anyone. My late uncle. The one who took good care of me when I was in Taiping. And welcomed us with such warmth everytime we hung out at his place.

We stayed for his funeral to give our last respect. That's the least we could do. Once again, I witnessed the beauty of Islam. Where everything has it's timing. Everything was done with such manner, such perfection, such symbolic. Islam teaches us to learn about death. And this experience was a real eye opener for me. We cry for the passing of a person. But we learn that life is short where it starts with Adzhan when we were first born, and ends with Solat right before we are sent back to the Al-Mighty Allah.

Al - Fatihah to my late uncle, arwah Abdul Manaf bin Abdul Aziz. A great man. Who shall be missed..

May you rest in peace.. and have Allah's blessings, insyaAllah.

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hati ini ingin berbicara

>> Friday, March 20, 2009

tapi pada siapa ya ?

siapa yang mungkin bisa membaca apa yang termaktub di dada ini, yang bisa mentafsir coretan di minda ini, yang bisa memahami gerak geri ini ?

penjelasan demi penjelasan aku cuba dapati untuk memujuk hati ini, meyakinkan pada diri ini bahawasanya apa yang aku alami ini hanyalah salah satu episod di dalam drama yang dimainkan di layar perak kehidupan. dan akulah watak utamanya. akulah narratornya. dan walau sebaik mana diri ini melakonkan gerak geri yang dirancang oleh minda ini, namun, pasti ada yang dapat merasai, ianya sekadar lakonan semata.

tidak. aku tidak melakonkannya. aku hanya cuba yang terbaik. aku jujur. aku ikhlas. aku..... aku hanya manusia kerdil di muka bumi ini... sememangnya, aku mengaku..........

aku sangatlah mengantuk dan penat ketika mengajar dua pelajar yang lemah tadi. walaupun telah membancuh dua cawan kopi seawal jam 1030 pagi untuk menahan mata dari terlelap. mereka hanya menghidu aroma nescafe seperti iklan Hans Isaac. sehinggakan jiran di bilik sebelah bisa menghidunya. Maaf.

aku kasihan. mereka sungguh ingin belajar.

selain itu..... aku.... sedang sabar menanti.......

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my new old friend

As I was blogging the previous post, I received a YM msg from an old friend, my classmate in Taiping, Emi. An Ipoh-mali girl who had that gangster-kinda vibe when she walks around. That was Emi back then. It's been years since I met her. Last was sometime during our varsity years. She is now in Aberbeen Scotland doing her phD :) [you rock girl!]

It's funny that a few days ago, I actually thought about her as I was driving at the UiTM roundabout after work. And of all the days, she msged me today.

DJ : aku baru terigt kat ko
DJ : 2 - 3 hari lepas
DJ : masa aku tgh drive kat roundabout uitm
DJ : serius aku x tipu
EMI : waaaa
EMI : hahahahahhaha
EMI : seyes
EMI : coolll
DJ : ko tau tak apa yg aku igt
DJ : ?
EMI : oh dear
EMI : fond memories ke
EMI : not so fond
DJ : hehehe
EMI : hahahahahha
EMI : apa yang ko ingat
DJ : tp ko jgn terasa lak aku ckp ni
DJ : aku terigt
EMI : alamakkk
DJ : ko ada pinjam buku novel aku
EMI : aku merajukk ker
DJ : mase kat ukm
EMI : hahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
EMI : haaaaaaaaaaaaa
EMI : aku dah tak tahu kat mana
DJ : hahahaha (gelak berterabur)
DJ : tu la
DJ : hehehehehe
EMI : aiseyyy
DJ : serius aku x kisah beb
EMI : aku kene mintak ko halalkan ni
DJ : aku just terigt jer
DJ : hehehe
EMI : hahahahahhaha
DJ : aku dah lame halalkan
DJ : hehehe
EMI : lawak jer jay ni
DJ : aku terigt jer
DJ : hehehe jgn marah ek
DJ : xtau apesal
DJ : agaknya Allah dh bg sign
DJ : ckp ko akan msg aku hari jumaat
DJ : ahahahah

The 8 minutes short conversation with her got me thinking about stuff. Stuff that I used to dreamed about but was put aside for awhile. I guess Allah has something else planned for me. Somehow, I hope, I have that chance.. just to dream again...

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my new label

The faculty meeting was ok today. Not so 'hangat' and not so 'cold'. Just normal. I guess we've adapted with the new management now. Friday went by just like that. Since I always blog on what I do on Friday nights, I have decided to create a new label for it. Guess what it's called.............................. you got it, friday nights.

I wish time would move faster.

Between the wish and the thing life lies waiting.

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my neighbour's scary story

Yesterday was a really fun day. I wore a kebaya to work to celebrate the Perasmian of Mentor Mentee Program. I am a Mentor for 8 Mentees who are nice Mathematicians and Statisticians to be :) Real nice and smart kids.. So we had a great time taking pictures and mingling around. Kudos to 16 of the first batch who worked real hard for the event :)

However, things were not at the same level when I reached home. As usual, I would hang around the living room playing with my niece and newphews before taking a hot shower and Maghrib prayers. Suddenly Mama said this, as I stood up to take my shower

Mama : Did you know, the neighbour's maid committed suicide tadi?
Me : (ternganga) HAAAAAAAAAAAAA? nape sekarang baru mama cakap ?? OMG OMG!!!! YE KE???

So my mom spilled me in on the juicy details on how she committed suicide. Later on, my brothers came over and talked about it over the citer hantu at TV3 (haa bagus sangat la tu).

That night, I couldn't sleep :(

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my name

>> Wednesday, March 18, 2009

my name in Greek means 'present' or 'God's gift'.
my name in Japanese is apparently a name of a famous cartoon character.
my name in United States is also a famous cartoon character who likes to explore.
my name in Arabic means 'pearl' or 'precious stone'.
my name is Phychological field was apparently used by Sigmund Freud as a famous case study.

what's in a name ?
it represents a person, an identity, a human being.

my name is always spelled wrongly.. letih la nak cakap banyak kali.. :(

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my wet wednesday

it was a wet wednesday morning. i woke up the usual 530 and it was pouring rain. i pulled my comfortable comforter but my phone kept on playing Smallville's Somebody Save Me song. (my alarm clock)

however, for some reason, i love wednesdays. the day is less stressful and it's the middle of the week. i was ready to see the Dean today. i've been collecting all my confidence and guts since monday. so as i reached my office room (which looks neater now since i've been marking papers like mad, i am half way through), switched on the aircond and PC, put on some make up and marched to his office.

Dean's PA : dekan tak sampai lagi, kenapa Dora?
me : "eheh.. takpe la Kak.. kejap lagi saya datang"

Sigh. Oh well.

The day was very productive though (since the internet was down at the office). I finished checking the first test of one group and they did quite well. I am happy and satisfied with their performance. One student scored full mark! When I handed to him his paper, he looked so happy and everybody cheered for him. To see my student being happy for his achievement, for me, the feeling is simply remarkable. They've worked hard for it and I always like to put comments like "Excellent!" or "Good!" or "keep it up!". Some also get comments like "SEE ME!" or "REDO YOUR WORK!". hehe..

After class, some students consulted with me on SPSS programming for their Thesis and half way through I realized my tone of voice was actually very loud.

me : lepas you buat factor analysis, you dah reducekan dia punya....(tunggu student sambungkan ayat, it's a teacher/lecturer thing).......
student : (sambungkan ayat) items..
me : yes, items.. paham dah ? (pause) kuat sangat ke suara saya? sorry la, lupa nak adjust volume, saya baru lepas lecture tadi
student : ehehehe eh takpe takpe.. kuat pun kuat la.. asalkan kami paham miss :)

Later on, I managed to catch my dean and finally got the chance to talk to him.

Dean : ye Dora. you nak jumpa i ye? Macam serius je..
me : sebenarnya Dr................

Alhamdulillah it went well. And I am happy :)

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my student's scary story

>> Monday, March 16, 2009

This morning one of my students came by to see me.

student : miss, can i see you for a while ?
ms.D : ok.. but i have only 5 minutes. come in
student : miss, remember i SMSed you cakap i tak dapat datang kelas haritu?
ms.D : yes2.. why ?
student : miss.. sbnrnya i ada problem miss.. mlm sblm haritu.. saya jumpa 'tu' miss
ms.D : ?? tu ??
student : bende 'tu'
ms.D : apa bende?
student : (putting his hands in the air and making a scary face) "tuuuuu... hantu"
ms.D : astaghfirullahalazim.. you ni biar benar?
student : betul miss.. dia tinggi macam saya.. lelaki.. mata dia merah, gigi tajam panjang.. malam sebelum tu dia cekik saya.. the next day dia kacau saya miss.. saya terus demam.. sekarang pun tangan saya mengigil miss.. saya takut nak duduk sorang2 miss..
ms.D : (sigh) ok ok.. tak yah citer dah.. u tulis surat, cerita apa yang berlaku. i want it in black and white..
student : ok miss.. thanks miss.. sorry to scare you miss... tapi betul..
ms.D : bole tak you try to resolve this issue ? cari bilik lain ke or something.. nanti effect your studies
student : ok miss.. thanks miss..

today, my windows media player was playing Surah - surah Al - Quran.. luckily I have some.. phew~

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my time alone in Kuala Lumpur

>> Saturday, March 14, 2009

I was really hyped up about going to Kuala Lumpur (KL) today. For someone who works in a ghetto place, going to the city for the weekend is like a big deal (even when I live in PJ). There were some change of plans so I decided to go alone. I could use this time to think and reflect (again) and perhaps enjoy the city alone. Usually I would prefer driving cause it's less hassle, takde tolak tolak, I feel safer, senang nak park. I don't mind paying for parking fee and fuel for a little bit of comfort and it's easier if it rains. However, semenjak $ banyak disalurkan kepada perkara2 lain, and since I was going there alone, I hit the city using public transport. I wore like a schoolkid / uni student, took my small backpack, wore comfy sneakers and brough my DSLR in a small bag.

Yes. Public transport. I haven't used that for quite some time. A year, maybe? My brother dropped me Taman Bahagia LRT and I went straight to Masjid Jamek. Travelling was easier since I reloaded my Touch & Go. The city looked pretty much the same. Dusty and jammed and everyone seems to be heading to the same place as I was. PWTC.

See, there's a travel fair going on and people are just flocking in to PWTC. Macam nak kejar apa je. Takut tiket habis kot ? For me, I had a very specific objective, so I went straight to the appropriate place. MAS. I wasn't looking for some holiday package. I was looking for a ticket. A return ticket. And when I saw the destination and the price, I smiled and actually jumped a little. Murah bangat! Anxiously, I qued while biting my fingernails waiting for my turn.

Cust Serv : Yes Miss how may I help you?
Me : Hi. Can I know the exact price for flight to ________ on ________ ?"
Cust Serv : (Looking into computer clicking here and there) Ok... travelling alone or 2 people?
Me : Alone
Cust Serv : Ok.. For flight to _____ return it's RM ****, all inclusive. You have 30 days from departure date to return to KL.
Me : Oook.. Do I book first now? Are there any booking charges?
Cust Serv : Sorry, you have to pay and I give you the tickets right away.
Me : (gulp) Oo.. but I'm not sure of the return date yet.. Can I change the return dates?
Cust Serv : So sorry.. once you've purchase the tickets, no changes can be made..

Alamak. Susah la pulak. Even though murah GEGILE but.. alot of factors I need to consider first and I need to talk to someone first. I didn't buy the tickets today. I still needed more time. However, I purchased a headphone for my mp3 player instead since there was a Digital Fair too. Singgah juga Canon nye kedai but no wide eye lenses around for sale, just body + kit set jer.

Buntu la jugak for awhile. I searched for Lufthansa but no other airlines were there. Just MAS. I walked back to LRT Star and sat for awhile. 3 trains passed. I still couldn't decide on what to do next. I took the 4th train and headed to Pavillion. I changed to Monorail at Titiwangsa where I got a nice seat before the monorail was sandwiched with many many kiasu people. AAh! I exhaled when I reached Bukit Bintang.

Yup. I looked at Menara Genesis. It was the building where I used to drag my feet to go to work. For me, the sounds of techno music with Chinese salesman/salesgirl with blonde-rebonded hairdo and long fingernails is Bukit Bintang's true identity. Not to forget the salesperson who sells moving toys at RM 10 in front of Maybank. Youngsters (sadly Malays) who hangout in groups are completely oblivious at the fact that precious time is lost just by enduring this lepaking culture.

Like a schoolgirl who just entered the city, I innocently walked towards Pavillion. This would be my second time visiting this gah place. Watching yuppies with their cup of coffees discussing projects and clicking at their PDAs reminded me of the lifestyle I had before becoming an academician. (only, i didn't have PDA, just.. had a lot of coffee and no projects :p still drink coffee now too though). Comparing this scenario with the lifestyle I am leading now is like two different universe.

Finally I reached my destination. I stood still and looked up as everyone was walking. Wow. So this is PAVILLION. but.. It looked just like any other shopping mall to me. Except the COACH store by the side, which you rarely see in KL. But one thing you see a lot in KL is that the youngsters, specifically, mat rempit kinda or gothic chic kinda, they like to hang outside of the mall. I felt a big difference when being outside of the mall and inside. There was a whole different crowd inside. How freaky!

Pavillion reminded me a lot like Singapore. As usual, I took my time looking at the Directory (its a thing that MSO and I do when we are at shopping malls), at that time, I missed him. A lot. I acted cool since I had my mp3 player on. I was bopping my head a little (padahal lagu slow masa tu) cause I didn't wanna look like I was really lost and scared. I didn't know where to go really. But I was hungry. Nando's. Okla, so I had my lunch there. Alone. Yes, I was there alone. I took my time eating my Mild Peri - Peri with Garlic sauce. I didn't wanna look like a complete loser so I took out my planner and started to scribble notes while eating (yes, it did feel like a yuppie at that time). I took out my phone and started SMSing and calling people. I really did look busy when in actual fact, I felt lonely in a middle of a busy city. How is that possible?

Lunch was done. As a normal teenage girl (ewah) , shopping was next in the list. I remembered Tangs had a MEGA sale so I headed there. Malangnya, takde ape sangat. The shopping vibe in Tangs, Pavillion was not like the shopping vibe I had in Singapore. I walked around here and there. Stopped by at Crabtree, Braun Buffel, G2000, Soda, Parkson, Sembonia, Charles and Keith and a few others I can't remember. I decided to buy a pair of Soda Jeans and Soda Blouse to go with it. And I bought a pair of Sembonia shoes (FINALLY!). To kill time waiting for the rain to stop I bought some stuff in Parkson.

It was almost 6. I walked out of Pavillion. I walked by at Lot 10 and of course stopped by for an Iced Blended Chocolate at San Francisco. This place is a very meaningful place for me. It's where MSO and I had met for the first time after 7 years. Everytime I'm at Lot10, pasti akan ke San Fran :) It's like my thing :)

Mama called cause she was worried. Apa la jadi kat anak aku sorang2 jalan di KL.. "Kol berapa nak balik ni ? Dah kol 6.. "... "ok ma, dah on the way ni" (pdhal singgah Lot10 dulu on the way tuh).. hehe. I was too tired to shop. After looking at some shirts, I headed to the train station. Seperti gadis kampung, saya terkejut dan takut melihat begitu ramai orang (esp mat rempit) at Bukit Bintang. I wanted to go home so badly cause it was just too scary. I was holding a lot of things but lucky for me, I got a seat. I reached KL sentral. I bought 2 pair of hijabs (like the one I mentioned before) for RM 30. A fair deal.

Lastly, I waited for the LRT train. I headed to Taman Bahagia again. Finally reached home safely at 730.. that's how I spent my time alone in the busy city, kuala Lumpur... very much different from kuala selangor, kan ..?

Bunyi macam tak pernah gi KL kan ? hehehe.. Lamenya x gi kl...

** post ini akan diedit lagi ye. Nanti nak bubuh some pictures I snapped.

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my reflection

>> Thursday, March 12, 2009

When I got out of work this morning, there was a full moon and it was beautiful. MasyaAllah. And right at this very moment, the night is still and quiet, and as the moon is giving light to earth, it had also brought me an inspiration to write this entry..

It was the birth of our Prophet Muhammad S.A.W, Maulidul Rasul, (Peace be Upon Him) on the 12th Rabi'al-Awwal. As an Islamic country, we Malaysians celebrated it. For Malaysian, it would mean, another public holiday. Going back to hometown and facing jam. Waking up late and not going to work. Yes. I admit. That would be me. Except for going back to hometown since my home is my hometown :)

I have been asking myself, what is this emptiness inside of me ? Why am I so kalot and I have lost track of my time and time management is just.. out. I remember a talk I attended during the Holy month of Ramadhan. It sounded like this "Make time for Allah, and Allah will make time for you". Whoever who said that would not know how much I value those words.

Yes. Perhaps, I haven't been making enough time for Allah. Shamefully, I only pray for 5 minutes and honestly, it's hard to be khusyu' during prayers. 5 X 5. That's 25 minutes of 24 hours. Maybe, that's why I have been feeling empty lately...

I had a good chat with one of my students. He gave me MP3s of all the Surah in the Quran. And I ask him this,

Ms.D : So you can understand when you read the Quran ?
Stdnt : Yes, of course.
Ms.D : That's the perk of knowing how to speak Arabic. So you can read just like that ?
Stdnt : No. When we read, we don't just read. We also listen to others who read and follow. Because if we read differently, the meaning is also different. So we want to read properly and know the proper meaning.
Ms.D : (amazed) So you can read the Quran fast ? Can you finish in a day ?
Stdnt : Hehe... No.. Even if we sit and read from morning without any interruptions, the whole day can finish about... 3/4.
Ms.D : (masih amazed) Wow..
Stdnt : But during Ramadhan month, I read 3 juzu' in a day. So can finish the whole of Quran during the last 10 days of Ramadhan.
Ms.D : (amazed lagi)
Stdnt : You know Tahjud? During the last 10 days of Ramadhan ? When waiting for Tahjud prayers, we read the Quran.
Ms.D : (amazed tak terkata dan akhirnya berkata) You read the Quran everyday here?
Stdnt : Yes, yes.. everyday.. but not so much.. only 1 or 2 Surah a day. (smiling shyly) Sometimes half a Surah a day..
Ms.D : That's good practice. You know if you read the Quran always, you have sharp memory..
Stdnt : I must be doing something wrong cause my memory is not so sharp(laughing)

And the conversation went on for more than an hour. After he left, I felt so small. Malu dengan diri sendiri. There he was telling me that he reads the Quran everyday and not having a sharp memory.. I thought about myself.. How often do I recite the Quran ? During school days, yes. I was in boarding school and every Friday night (malam Jumaat) we recite the Surah Yassin. And perhaps, before Maghrib prayers, we recite other Surah. But how about now ?

I not only teach my students, but everyday I learn something new from them. For this, I want to share. As humans, we tend to forget. That's our nature. But it's always good to remind ourselves and others. InsyaAllah.

Say (O Muhammad ): "Verily, my Salat (prayer), my sacrifice, my living, and my dying are for Allah, the Lord of the 'Alamin (mankind, jinns and all that exists).
Surah Al-An am. 162.

Can we ever be as genuine as this? Wallahu'alam.

Salam Maulidul Rasul.

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my last working hour of thursday for this week

Salam. It's 4.46 Thursday. I know I shouldn't be doing this. Blogging di waktu kerja. Tapi kepala rasa macam nak pecah, especially the right brain ( I use that a lot cause I am a leftie). Berdenyut2 pun ada (people say it's migraine, is it?) Anyways, I love this time of this hour because my classes for the whole week is now over. Woohoo!!!

I don't know why, I have been tired the whole week. Balik rumah je, after dinner and chores, I would sleep, tak sempat nak have the 10 mins LDR phone call with MSO. Senang citer, I am exhausted kot. But why ? I really don't know. Is it the time of the month ? (dah lepas.. ) Is it the workload? (biasa..) Is it the MQA? (dah lepas..) Is it the endless meetings? (thank God dah kurang..) Is it house ? (dah tak kacau dah..) Is it the food ? (asik makan je..) Is it my students? (biasa dah.. ) What is it really ? Why do I feel tired and bercampur baur stress sikit2 ? I have changed the position of my table in the office, I am trying to finish off the bakul bakul papers to mark... oh wait! that's it... the bakul bakul papers to mark... that's why....... heh~

I would like to quote this from my roommate, "Banyak dosa yang kita dah buat tanpa sedar, takkan nak buat dosa lagi bila sedar?"

Betul meg.

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my emptiness

>> Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Tiba - tiba rasa nak berblog pada jam 4.58pm ni.

Pening.
Sangat pening.
Pening yang rasa nak muntah.
What's wrong with me?
I feel empty.

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my afternoon nap

>> Monday, March 09, 2009

I am not much of an afternoon napper. In a year, I take my afternoon naps like.. less than 5 times (I think). But on Saturday I had a 2 hour nap and again, today, 1.5 hour nap. I guess nak cover the whole week punya stress (meeting, MQA, meeting and MQA, gossip girl, house, coach carter) I came to realize why people love to take their afternoon naps. Especially when it's raining outside and you have your comfortable bed and comforter. Just lay down and Zzzz...

The long weekend is over now. Just like that. Time flies.

Salam MaulidurRasul.

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his story..

Isnin pagi. Kesejukan pagi ini membuatku sukar untuk bangun. Anak saudaraku, Farhan yang sibuk mengetuk pintu bilik dan memanggil-manggilku "Cu, bangun!" akhirnya berjaya membuatku keluar dari bilik.

Setelah selesai sarapan, aku terus ke computer. Hati ini sungguh merindui arwah Amir Yusuf walaupun tidak pernah berjumpa. Terus klik kepada blog saudara Fajar yang kulihat terdapat update "Untuk Terakhir Kali". Sebutir demi sebutir aku mendalami ayat - ayat yang disampaikan oleh saudara Fajar yang penuh makna. Jelas sekali kasih sayang ibu dan ayah tiada bandingannya. Tanpa disedari, air mata deras mengalir seolah - olah diri ini sememangnya berada di hospital menyaksikan saat - saat terakhir Amir Yusuf. Hujan diluar turut menemani diri ini menangis. Anak saudaraku Farhan yang berumur 2 tahun setengah melihat dengan pelik mengapa Cu sedang menangis di depan computer. Aku hanya melihatnya dan mengucupnya di pipi. Anak kecil yang tiada dosa, tidak mungkin dia merasai kesedihan yang dirasai.

Sabarlah wahai saudara Fajar sekeluarga. Ini semua ujian Allah. Teringat kepada anak saudara, Arwah Rafiq yang juga pernah berada di ICU bertemankan wayar dan suction yang dilakukan setiap 2 - 3 jam. Dan setiap kali suction dilakukan, setiap kali itulah aku kan menangis melihat insan kerdil yang terpaksa melalui semua ini. Ujian Allah cukup hebat sekali. Walaupun diri ini masih belum mempunyai anak, tapi diri ini juga rasa sedih mengingatkan apa yang telah dilalui oleh arwah Rafiq dan juga arwah Amir Yusuf. Allah lebih mengetahui dan Allah lebih menyayangi mereka.

Be strong, saudara Fajar. Janganlah bersedih dengan pemergian Amir Yusuf, tetapi ingatlah saat - saat indah bersamanya. Perpisahan ini hanyalah untuk sementara..

Al - Fatihah.

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Al - Fatihah

>> Saturday, March 07, 2009

I saw the comments on saudara Fajar's blog. There were 72 comments and it says "takziah". I was confused and scrolled up.

There was a comment from one of the followers that he received an SMS from saudara Fajar. I broke into tears when I read this :

Amir Yusuf kembali kerahmatullah jam 12.51pm waktu galsgow sbtr tadi. Alfatihah!

My deepest condolences to saudara Fajar and family.

I am out of words.
I wish I could visit them.
I want to blog about it but I am in a state of shock.

Al - Fatihah to baby Amir Yusuf~

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my friday night : Fantasia Bulan Madu

Tenangnya di malam ini bertemankan bunyi cengkerik. Setelah pulang dari Giant menemani ibu membeli barang - barang keperluan harian, aku mendongak seketika ke angkasa. Indahnya ciptaan Allah. Malam dijadikan untuk berehat dan tidur. Maka malam itu sunyi dan sepi bertemankan cahaya bulan yang menerangi bumi ditemani bintang - bintang yang menghiasi langit.

Teringkat kembali pada zaman persekolahan ketika menghadiri aktiviti 'stargazing at night' oleh kelab pencipta alam. Memang aku cintakan alam. Sungguh terpegun apabila dapat melihat retak di permukaan bulan yang ada disebut di dalam Al - Quran membuktikan kekuasaan Allah. Lagi indah apabila dapat melihat planet Saturn dan ringnya serta 4 daripada 7 bulan di orbit yang mengelilinginya. Sememangnya indah dan menakjubkan. Semua ini dapat kulihat dengan bantuan telescope berkuasa tinggi yang mengikuti orbit bulan yang mana di waktu siang hari, telescope itu akan terbalik.

Pengalaman yang paling tidak dapat ku lupakan adalah pada tahun 1998 di Taiping, aku bersama rakan - rakan turun ke bawah dorm seawal jam 2 pagi kerana ingin menyaksikan fenomena Meteor Shower itu. Kami tunggu hampir dua jam dan aku dapat melihat 13 meteor berterbangan di langit bagaikan satu mimpi. Tidak pernah ku lihat langit yang kosong dan gelap menjadi terang dihiasi bebola oren kekuning - kuningan bergerak begitu pantas dan hilang bagaikan magic. Aku mengira berapa jumlah meteor yang dapat kulihat. Dan sememangnya 13 is my lucky number. Fenomena ini tersemat di hati dan di mindaku dan mungkin inilah pengalaman yang paling bermakna bagiku. Kiranya ada soalan, "What is the most unforgettable phenomena that you've experienced in your life?" mungkin itulah jawapannya. Dan pengalaman ini mungkin akan ku ceritakan suatu hari pada anak - anak serta cucu - cucu ku insyaAllah. At least I have something cool to tell them.

Di malam itu, sungguh tenang. Dan di kawasan perumahanku di Kampung Tunku juga tenang. Dan dalam ketenangan itu, aku tertidur lena setelah berbual dengan MSO. Masing - masing kepenatan kerana sepanjang minggu dibebani kerja yang banyak. Namun demikian, kami cukup passionate dengan kerja kami. MSO sering menceritakan keseronokannya di pejabat apabila mendapat projek baru. MSO seorang yang sukakan benda baru dan setiap hari mempelajari ilmu baru. Diriku pula sering menceritakan gelagat pelajar - pelajar serta apa yang diajar dan belajar daripada pengalaman bersama orang yang berbeza. Begitulah kami. Dua dunia yang cukup berbeza.

Walaupun dunia kami yang berbeza, apabila kulihat langit, dia juga melihat langit yang sama. Bulan yang menemani diriku di malam hari, bulan yang sama juga menemaninya di malam hari. Ada kalanya, ku terfikir. Adakah di saat ku lihat bulan, mungkin dia melihat bulan jua ? Adakah tenangan yang ku alami dengan melihat bulan itu, dapat dirasainya jua ?

Begitulah pengalaman Friday night aku kali ini. Sememangnya diri ini kepenatan namun masih bertahan kerana semangat di dalam diri ini cukup kuat untuk meneruskan kerja - kerja harian. Ku harapkan, Friday nights yang lain akan setenang ini dan mungkin, suatu hari, aku dan MSO akan berada bersebelahan menyaksikan bulan dan bintang bersama sama. Atau kiranya ada rezeki, dapat melihat semula fenomena Meteor Shower bersama - samanya, InsyaAllah.

Disertakan lagu ol skool rock, Fantasia Bulan Madu, my favourite Search song. Liriknya sungguh indah dan bermakna.

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my new hijab

>> Friday, March 06, 2009

I love red. I just bought this new hijab which has a great combination of Black and dark Red. From Syria (katanya). It's RM 16. So I bought two. The other one is dark green and a bit of cream.

This hijab is the ones yang masuk satu yang kecik and the other one outside. Why I like this ? Because I don't have to iron it and it's great for those who are lazy to gosok tudung (just like me) hehe.

No ironing.
No pins.
No hassle.

But its hard to find nice ones. I saw a few in KL Sentral but the designs are too plain and the colors are dull. For people who have my skin color (coklat -> ke arah gelap) sesuai pakai dark colors so that you look garang.

Cikgu nampak garang lah.

If you wanna go for a fancier look, wear a pin by the side as accessories.

[Photo Has Been Deleted]

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my 15 minutes call

>> Thursday, March 05, 2009

I had the usual "long distance call after work" with MSO just now. The duration of the call was 15 minutes. 15 minutes to Germany. If only that's the time it takes to get there, people would flock to Europe every day. And it would be jammed just like the roads to KL from Shah Alam at 630am. Going to Batang Berjuntai would be so fast, I'd reach the office before I can even say "batang..... "

If only Alexander Graham Bell was still alive, he'd be shocked to death (ironic huh) to see how technology has evolved so rapidly as we speak, kan Cikyah kan? (gadget gurl) I wonder what's up their sleeves (the engineers) oh wait, I'll ask MSO, he's an engineer and loves gadgets.. I remember the first time we met, he was enthusiastically telling me about this bullet train in Shanghai that uses some magnetic force to travel. I can never forget that kerana pada saat itulah saya mula ada perasaan sedikit padanya.. [ok, stop it dora.. going all goo goo gaa gaa like some drama melayu lakonan Rosyam Nor and Rita Rudaini.. stop it!]

Technology still amazes me. I get freaked out sometimes that as I am speaking, he, who is at 13,000 kms away could respond at that very second. (I sometimes like to think that he's actually in KL and saje konon2 duduk jauh just to mess around with me, gila kan my imagination? and when I tell him this imagination, he'd just shake his head and say something like this, "you're crazy" hehe)

15 minutes call to Germany.

Long.

Expensive.

But it's okay.

Cause why?

Today is a special day..

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sekali lagi..

Once again, I cried in front of my laptop. Saudara Fajar's blog has touched me so deeply that I wish I could visit his son. I don't know why. I have never met these people, they live continents apart, we could be related (bau bau bacang), neighbours or schoolmates or probably pernah jumpa tepi jalan but I can really relate to his story. I have been following baby Amir Yusuf's condition for almost 3 months now.

Reading his entry today made me realize that how everybody has their own parts. or in BM, bahagian masing - masing. Allah tidak akan berikan seseorang itu sesuatu ujian kalau dia tidak dapat menghadapinya. Baby Amir Yusuf, saudara Fajar and family are strong people to be handling this. Allah believes that they can get through this. And baby Amir Yusuf is lucky to have them as parents.

And suddenly.. teringatkan my nephew arwah Rafiq..

We miss you Rafiq..

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my 5 minutes break

>> Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Tickets to Krabi is freaking cheap via Airasia! apelagi... zasssss la.. hehe
again, feel like blogging cause still no energy to talk.

Today at class, everybody looked so dull and gloomy. So during the 5 minutes break, I chit chatted with them.

Ms.D : Why is everybody so gloomy today?

Student 1 : Wednesday is the pack-est day Miss (ada ke perkataan tu? mamat tu pakai cakap je kot)

Student 2 : We all didn't sleep for 2 whole days.. We were studying for tests and quizzes..

Ms.D : (gasp) 2 whole days? that's 48 hours.. are you sure?

Student 3,4,5 : yes Miss..

Ms.D : (smiling) that's normal.. you're a student.. you should study.. you shouldn't sleep that much :p

Everyone laughing

Ms.D : Well, let me tell you something, I reached home at 9pm yesterday after almost 2 hours of meeting and 2 hours of journey. I slept at 1230 am and woke up at 530 this morning. I had 2 hours of lecture while standing and now another hour of lecture..still standing..and I am still energetic (tipu la tu padahal rase dah nak pengsan).. and I'm much older than you people .. hehe

Everyone : How old are you (laughing)? You look like 23, 24.. (pandai bodek ye)

Ms.D : (smiling).. I can't tell you, it's a secret..

Student 3 : Ok ok ... you're 35 - 38 (jokingly)?

Ms.D : Hey, I'm not that old.. (sabar je aku)

Student 4 : How often you sleep at 1230? You wake up at 530.. we sleep at 530..

Ms.D : (thinking) Almost every night.. you sleep very late.. no wonder you're always late for class!

Student 4 : Ok.. ok.. you win.. hehehe

Ms.D : I know :)

Student 3 : So how old are u ?

Ms.D : ???

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our MQA visit.. done

the two days of MQA visit is finally over. i reached home at 9pm last night. it kinda reminds me of the time i used to work in the bank only this time my journey is almost 2 hours. my parents are out of town since yesterday visiting my uncle in taiping who is in a critical condition after the operation.

although i was very extremely super busy (banyak kata penguat tu), it was a valuable experience for me and i learned a lot of things throughout the process. of course i am one of the important but not urgent people.. the photographer. sure, i got access to places that important people go to, i can walk around and not have people looking at me weirdly cause it's the nature of my job as a photographer, and the usual question, "eh, berapa you beli camera ni eh?" and have them give me that very long "oooooOOooooo" look after i tell them the price. i kinda got used to it already.

and of course being the committee of Academic Quality Assurance (AQA), i had goosebumps and butterflies in my stomach everytime the panel commented on quality of education per se. luckily the head of AQA was there to justify things without being biased and giving responses that were realistic and made some of the audience nod with agreement.

tiring but priceless experience.

i am officially wiped out. how to teach my beloved students today ? mata pun susah nak buka..

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my manic monday

>> Monday, March 02, 2009

"Tak pergi kerja ke harini?" my dad said to me as he entered my room while I was in the middle of my weird dream (which I do not want to blog about because it was just too freaky).

I opened my eyes in confusion and looked at my motorola razr, 6:18.

"$h|t! ". Yup. I started the day with a bad word. my bad. Its ironic that on Saturday and Sunday morning I was paranoid when I woke up because I didn't want to be late for work.

Today was our first day of MQA visit and I was assigned to take pictures of the event. Since I woke up late, I missed the bus. So I drove to Btg Berjuntai. Left the house at 7:01 and reached office at a solid 8:15. Alhamdulillah.

How much I wish I could write about the visit but I better not. I am not sure if it is P & C. But what I can conclude for today is I had a busy day. And my room mate said to me this, "you look very tired la Dora"

In my heart and outloud I answered, "yes, I am very tired actually.. bukan saja pasal MQA ni tapi macam2 lah.."

In the previous post, I blogged about changes and that I had change the color of my blog, I forgot to mention that I changed the position of my table in the office too, and it looks nice and spacious now. I also decided to change my current handbag because I got bored with the previous one. I do that sometimes when things get crazy and I laugh all by myself for comfort.

It's March already. So fast. I remember counting down the new year just recently on the internet with MSO and also having that Black & White 2007 Affair event.

Well, just felt like blogging since talking needs a lot of energy and at this moment I have very little of those (I am a lecturer, I talk alot).

Right next to me, Fahim (2 years and 6 months) is switching on the computer by himself and singing to Rossa's Ayat - Ayat Cinta almost 8 times already (really smart boy).

Suddenly rasa sayu and diri ini sungguh kecil and kerdil. MasyaAllah, the effects of good movies.

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my changes

>> Sunday, March 01, 2009

As much as I hate changes, I like changing the color of my blog. As you can see, it's now turquoise (i like to say it as a fancy blue). Only this year, I've changed it 3 times I think.

"The more the world changes, the more I try to be the same.." Kurt Cobain once said..

I guess this is me trying to be the same. I am going through some major changes in my life as well. Well, not just yet, just preparing myself for the changes. But I have somehow managed to survive the changes that I have gone through in my life (although takde la major sangat, but at that time it was pretty significant and substantial)

I have managed to go through puberty, teen hood and peer pressure (Sri Amanian). I was the sidelines between the majority and minority. I hung out with people from several groups, the glamourous, the gangsters, the nerds and geeks, the pious ones and the ones who doesnt belong to any group. Survived.

Then, off to boarding school where I had to go through a 360 culture shock (totally opposite from Sri Aman) where everything was very Islamic, black-and-white-screen-tv-kinda and disciplined and everyone walked really fast because they want to kejar masa (I have adapted to that change, I too, now walk really fast). Survived.

10 years ago. This time, I was at college. I went to some major changes where I was at the state of 'finding my true identity'. My life in college was somesort of like the story KAMI only less drama. And of course having experience my first so called love. It lasted for about 10 months because I guess studies was more important at that time. We stayed as friends but somehow lost contact along the way. Last I heard, he got hitched at 21 and now has a beautiful baby boy. It was a roller coaster ride but alas, Survived.

My first degree in my proud alma mater, my varsity, UKM. Where the trees as big with leaves falling in the evening that gives you that 'study' vibe. Also, another change. Because I went through spoonfeeding studying to self independent studying. I flunked Calculus even though the lecturer was superb but I have always understood Statistics. But I was always average. This major change has effected my life so deeply that I swore to be a good teacher so that they know the proper way of studying. My lecturers were great, it's just that I didn't know the right way to score papers. Somehow I managed to find the secret ingredient where there is no secret ingredient of success, it's just try.. try.. and try again.. and so I did that. Having to go through all that, I survived to obtain my degree in actuarial science with as an average student.

Work life was another new chapter for me. After so many years of being involved in the Malay society, I was the only Malay Muslim with hijab working in a bank where they work hard, drink hard, karaoke hard and party hard and everything was 'ok, no problem'. made some great friends though and they still wonder how I look like without my hijab (till today I think). survived but I moved to another bank where there were less drinking but more work. coming back at 9 - 10 pm was the usual routine especially when payroll starts. survived. but wasn't happy. this was when I ended my 2nd relationship and decided that I need a new life.

A beautiful new chapter starts when I quit my job and magically met my significant other (MSO) who happens to be my very close chat friend 10 years ago and also my schoolmate. In between quitting my job and enrolling for my postgrad, we went out a lot and got really close. A change. A big change. A significant change. will I survive this change ? that's the journey that I am about to embark to, insyaAllah..

my significant other... ich vermisse dich.. es tut mir leid..

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