you can't have it all... or can you ?

Aller Anfang ish schwer. Everything's hard at first.

I am actively learning German with discipline and consistency. I am more focused now since I have a certain target and goals to achieve. It's like not aiming only at the tiang gol, but exactly at the tayar bersangkut pada tiang gol tu, like Beckham does his football training. And to me, those goals are abit personal. Yeah yeah, i like to share. but not in detail. i don't want just anybody to know what's exactly happening to my life. i update this blog cause i like writing and i know people would be like hey wats up ye dgn djdorrr? jom baca blog dia kejap. then if i bagi sikit, there would be a reason to call / contact me if anyone of my friends would like to know the details ;) smart rite ? smart i am yes.

Ikhwan n I have been online a lot since this whole week. Like I mentioned above, everything is hard at first. that's why we keep ourselves busy so that time would pass by quickly.. so that when i go to work, i would look forward for lunch time.. and when i'm about to sleep, i would study my German before staring at my phone waiting for his call immediately he comes out of office. and i know that he plays rock band a lot so that when i am there again, he will be an expert at his guitar.. and drums! (cabaran ni b hehe). of course the singing job is left for me. hehe.

I have been receiving numerous comments on facebook regarding my wedding and my trip. Thanks people :) Yes, I am lucky n thankful that I got the opportunity to spend a month with my husband in a foreign land, an experience that I will never forget. Wenn einer eine Reise macht, so kann er 'was erza:hlen.

Ikhwan has been great. He has be patient with me by asking me to be patient... the wedding, the trip.. the everything.. for everything has its time.. and the time has always been perfect.. cause God made it that way.. and again he never fails to tell me to be patient.. again.. and everytime that he does, i will be.. because somehow i know that with patience, the wait is gonna be worth it.. just like how i've been patient all this while..

Alhamdulillah I have a great guy as my husband. I have my reasons why I say that. He's my husband, my soulmate, my bestfriend, my time keeper, he makes me happy, he is everything that i could ever wish for and more.. only that he is 11,000 kms away.. and i cant have him next to me anytime i want to..

but in one of our talks, i realized that this is how it was meant to be for us. this is his sacrifice for a better future. yes, it's hard for me. but it's harder for him. and for that, i realized that i need to be strong for him. i need to give him all the support that he needs. and that is what i will do from now on.. :) i am getting stronger everyday and learning to accept the fact that its only temporary.. and that we will be united again soon insha allah :)

There are reasons why we got hitched when we got hitched. don't question; why now? why here n there? why this n why that?.... we know why. that's all that matters. Though I cant have him next to me. But he is always in my heart, in my mind. and i know that i am too in his heart and in his mind. Everything that I do, he is with me. and i can hear his jokes in my mind and laugh alone when i think of it.. (ikhwan is actually very funny)..

I am not complaining. I am accepting the fact and looking forward for the future.. cause for now, that is what we are holding on to.. the future.. perhaps one day, we can have it all..

God willing

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effing net

when ur life revolves around the internet,
when ur other half is on the other side of the world,
when the connection is effed up,
you're kinda effed up as well.

nicht sehr gut. nicht sehr gut. Scheiße!

oh no.. too much weeds..

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after eight

When I reached home on Saturday morning, the first thing that my brother took from my luggage were chocolates. He saw after eight and immediately opened it. 'eh coklat tu slalunya makan lepas dinner la..' my dad said.. and i asked him, 'nape?' and he answered, 'cause its after eight' hehehe i find it amusing.. perhaps it is true.

I kept on listening to ich bereue nichts and Tokio Hotel's Monsoon..remembering my husband at every second. I was soo $£%*ed up in the morning cause the internet was down but only was ok again at around 1215. see, in our relationship, we only have 30 minutes of chat time (for now) and if i have 1030 - 1230 class, that would mean, we only can talk for 2 - 5 minutes on the phone at night, provided i dont sleep early or he comes home from work early.

my jet lag is not so bad today, although i slept at maybe 3am and woke up at 6am. it was very hard for me to wake up since i had headache plus with the rain made me hit the snooze button a couple of times. right now, i am on the bed. with my little laptop and one eye half closed, trying so hard to open them..


but everytime i close both eyes, in my mind, i will recall the time when me n ikhwan n some of his friends were watching transformers and he caught me almost falling asleep.

ikhwan : 'haa tido ke ?'
dora : 'takde lah.. tutup mata je'

now b, i tak tido.. i tutup mata je tau.....

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ich bereue nichts

i listen to this everyday.. its my favourite song from my favourite German band..




German
Ich bereue nichts

Ich halte deine Hand, so lange wie ich kann
Und trete die letzte Runde an

Wir haben’s beide gewusst und doch verdrängt bis zum Schluss
Dass man die Zeit nicht besiegen kann

Vielleicht wäre es besser, es wär so nie passiert
Doch vielleicht ist so ein feiges Wort

Wir haben immer gekämpft und kein Sandkorn verschenkt
Und jetzt stehn wir hier

Und ich bereue nichts
Nicht einen Schritt, nicht einen Augenblick davon
Auch wenn es verloren ist
Auch wenn es für uns nicht reicht
Es war doch nichts umsonst
Bereue nichts davon
Nichts davon

Die Zeit läuft gegen uns, das letzte Korn fällt stumm
Und langsam ist die Runde um

Wir haben auf Sand aufgebaut, das hat uns viel Kraft gebraucht
Doch alles davon, war es mir wert
Und ich dank dir für jeden Tag bei dir

Denn ich bereue nichts
Nicht einen Schritt, nicht einen Augenblick davon
Auch wenn es verloren ist
Auch wenn es für uns nicht reicht
Es war doch nichts umsonst
Nicht umsonst

Ich bereue nicht ein falsches Wort, nicht einen Augenblick
Ich nehme keine Schritt zurück
Denn ich bereue nichts
Ich bereue nichts
Ich bereue nichts
Nichts davon
Ich bereue nichts

****************************************************************

English
I regret nothing

I hold your hand as long as I can
And start the last lap

We both knew and still repressed it till the end
That time cannot be beaten

Maybe it would better if it never happend this way
But maybe is such a cowardly word

We have fighted and not given away any grain of sand
And now we stand here

And I regret nothing
Not a step, not a moment of it
Even when it's lost
Even when it's not enough for us
It still wasn't for nothing
Regret nothing of it
Nothing of it

Time runs against us, the last grain falls silently
And the lap is slowly over

We have build on sand which took us a lot of strength
But it was worth every effort
And I thank you for every day with you

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what Adrian said hit me

I'm back in KL. Part of me is happy to be home surrounded by my family but a huge part of me is back in Mannheim, Deutchland. During our trip to Paris (which I have yet to blog about), we met a Canadian guy, Adrian and now keeping in touch. He said and I quote, It's kind of weird to be home. Back to reality can be strange. But that's life. It kinda hit me hard.

I couldn't agree more. The first thing I did when I landed at KLIA was switched on my hp only to find that my Maxis has been barred, so I used Ikhwan's prepaid to call him. Traveling alone for 11,000 km was something new to me. I am just getting used to the airport procedures, since my trip to Singapore and Krabi recently. Jarang jarang la naik kapal terbang ni.. I used to travel a lot with my family back in the 90s. But I was like what.. 10 ? All I could think about was chocolates and keychains and souvenirs from foreign land. I couldn't be bothered where my passport was, or if I had enough cash in case of emergency.. and laptops and handphones ? what are those ???

My dear loving husband waited till I passed the imigration and waved at me with a half hearted smile on his face. We both knew that this is gonna be the longest 6 months ever before we said our goodbyes with almost felt like neverending hugs and kisses. Tears were falling from both of my eyes from Frankfurt Airport all the way to Calcutta, India I think. The German guy who sat next to me glanced at me a few times but I couldnt care any less. Of course I took all my meals, even with the peanuts. Malaysia Airlines is a lot better since the 90s. But travelling alone, especially when u just got married, after having a very long honeymoon and a taste of life together, the wait to hear his voice again felt like forever. It was the longest 12 hours.

Going to the loo was a big challenge since I was sitting next to the window, I had to wait for the German guy to wake up before asking him if I could pass through. And yeah, I had my laptop in the handluggage but Ikhwan said, tawakal je lah. And so I did just that. Alhamdulillah everything went well, the flight to KL was smooth, not much turbulance as it was going to Frankfurt. However, it felt safe having Ikhwan next to me even with the turbulance going on.

So here I am, on my desk in my room with my table lamp and notes and laptop. wishing that Ikhwan was here or I was there with him.

That's life. leider nicht sehr gut, for now. perhaps a better tomorrow and days after. counting days.. counting days..

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für Herr Ikhwan, meine lieber Mann

B..

there's a letter for you, under the alas meja where you put all your remote controls.. read it while listening to Silbermond's ich bereue nichts...

I am on the way back to KL b.. Wait for me..

ich liebe dich b..

von ihrer Frau

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sushi zombie

Morgen

I had very little sleep last night. I think about 3 hours.. Perhaps I was very full from the sushi we ate for dinner last night. Ikhwan and I had dinner with one of his colleagues from ABB. He's at early 30s and has a PhD in robotics or something related to it, I'm not quite sure.. His wife is a Chinese. A very nice couple. They love to travel. Something that we too like to do.. perhaps one day we will get that chance again.. to travel together..

I am in the midst of packing my bags which I am sooo dreading to do now. Burning all the TV shows he downloaded for me and trying not to think about the long distance deal cause it's really hard for me to handle.. I am not sure if I can answer properly when people asks, 'so macam mane? bole ke jejauh?' gosh, they have no idea..

Ok ok , trying not to think to much about it.. I'm going to the city to meet ikhwan later around lunch time. I am planning to give him a surprise, I hope I manage to get it. It's funny how I tried to ask him where to get him the thing that I wanna get him, without telling him what it is.. And living in a foreign land with a foreign language doesnt make it easier.. But now I feel the urge to study German and be really good at it.. ok, so maybe I will just try to be ok at it first since it's not like BM.. an interesting language..

I am hoping that time will move faster when I am in KL. Yes, I will spend more time with my beloved family. Telling them stories about my experience here and with the Ramadhan month coming up, hopefully I will be calmer and try not to think too much.. Hopefully my prayers will be answered.. Hopefully everything will work out for us.. insha allah..

ok this is actually just some random post at 7am.. I just felt like blurting out random things and just..... I dunno.. I am a zombie now..

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From France with Lurve

Bonjour!

I was riding ICE from Mannheim to Paris EST this morning and suddenly thought, 'Id never thought i'd be in Paris'.

And now, I am blogging from Hotel de l'Abbaye. I have soooooooooooooo many stories and pictures to share. but for now, I just wanted to have my fidget have that France visitor (so cool) hehehe..

Paris is a must go city cause its sooo romantic. oooh la la ...

Will blog about my Paris trip when I get back.

Ciaooo

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rock chic i am yes..

Ikhwan's PS3 Rock Band set has finally arrived and we went to buy the games yesterday kat bandar. After assembling the set, I got hold of the mic and it was really hard to let go. (biasa la kaki karaoke). Ikhwan was quite shocked to see me being so hyped up with the singing, and I sang quite well too hehehehe (betul kan Shazzain??). I was doing No Doubt's Spiderwebs, Lenny Kravitz's Are u gonna go my way, Nirvana's About a girl, Smashing Pumpkins' Today, Blondie's One Way and few more sampai kong la jugak. Slept quite well last night. hehe..

Ok, need to practise on my guitar plucking and drum rolls ;) This thing is supercool! yes yes.. rock chic i am yes..

P/s: Starting to understand sikit sikit German just still gigil to sprechen Deutsch. Good news ya ??? :)

Tchusssss !

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one month

German word of the day : ich bin so kalt!
Translation : I am so cold!

13 has always been my lucky number. It has somesort been a very significant number in my life. And to mark the day that we get married, we decided to have the akad on the 13th of June 2009. Yes. I've always wanted a June wedding. In the middle of the year and middle of the month.

Today is our one month anniversary, and I know that Ikhwan will secretly read my blog almost everyday once he reaches home from work while I am preparing dinner for him :)

It has been a wonderful one month. A friend once said to me, 'its good that you're gonna be with him there in Germany for one month.. so that the two of you will get to be together, just the two of you and you will learn a lot about each other without anyone judging or telling you what to do.. its just the both of you.. ' I very much agree with her.. it has been a learning experience and i will treasure this forever..

His friends will ask us, how is it being married ? Is it different? And once we both said simultaneously, 'its exactly the same'. The person I knew him before is exactly the same person I know him now. (yes, yes, perhaps it has only been one month..) but for four years that we've known each other, we have been the same person up to now i guess. maybe we have been ourselves all this while, which is good. sometimes when I keep quiet, he knows what's exactly in my mind. like yesterday while walking back from the bus stop, he said 'i know you're thinking of the LV handbags right?' bulls eye. walau macam mana i try to hide it, he somehow can crack the password to my mind.. i dont know how he does it??? its crazy! hehehe

The ikhwan i know 4 years ago is crazy about gadgets i.e. PS2 or PS3 games (i got this mixed up yesterday), cars, football, downloading movies and tv series.

The ikhwan i know now is still the same as mentioned above, only recently he's really into NFL. bidding on ebay. and every day he is becoming more and more loving and caring. i know how much he loves and cares for his family, he will sacrifice for the ones he loves dearly and without hoping for anything in return because i know that he has a good heart. being the eldest of a long line of siblings, i find that he is a responsible son and a good though sometimes garang big brother. its amazing to watch him with his family. sometimes he might make some crazy jokes but he really is a great guy, that's my grizzly bear :)

I love him so much..

Happy 1 month anniversary b :) ich liebe dich

PS : We went to Heidelberg, Metzingen, Frankfurt on Friday and Schwetzingen yesterday. It was amazingly breathtaking. I have a number of pictures but terlalu banyak to be edited. will select and do them later ok..

bis später!

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man in the mirror

Last night we watched MJ's memorial live through CNN. Its mindblowing that how a single person can reach people all over the world through his music.

I have a confession. I was a MJ addict. like seriously. i used to cut out articles about him and made a Micheal Jackson scrap book. Now I am listening to Remember The Time. Yes. I remember the time when I was 11 and went to my friend, Yusra's house and attempted to do the Moonwalk. No matter how ridiculous it had looked, we had fun doing it.. and of course, the MJ scream. 'wooooooooow' I remember my brothers used to scare me with the Thriller dance and make a ghostly face and in the end will say, 'It's only me?'. And A B C 1 2 3, will definitely make u bop ur head. Black or White was a big hit when we were growing up. It was like an anthem for all MJ fans. And you can know his songs if u hear them even from far. MJ brought music itself to another level of dimension. He touched countless souls with his pure heart effortlessly. I believe that for many many generations, MJ will always be remembered as a legend.

When we reached Mannheim Hbf and took a cab to Kalmitstrasse, the cab driver had MJ songs playing non stop and I was thinking what's up? And once Ikhwan switched on CNN, we found out that he had died. And it was on everyone's blog and FB status.

Honestly, I didnt feel that he was really gone. Till I saw his memorial yesterday. And Brooke Shield's speech had really touched me.

MJ asked, will you be there ? I guess all his fans would answer, you are not alone micheal. dont matter if you're black or white, if you're bad or a smooth criminal, .. you did so much.. . and now it's time to rest.. everytime we see the man in mirror, we shall always remember the time when you healed the world with your songs. the way you make me feel like I want u back, but i guess you're just gone too soon..

It's your time to rest now MJ..

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heartbeat

'my heart is beating very fast'

i met the person who has the same interest as i do.

i have mixed feelings. happy. scared. excited. confused. sad. all mixed like a cooked mixed vege.

what do i do now ?

let's think things through with a bit of müller peach joghurt (see how fancy they spell yogurt?..supercool right)

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factors and factorization

I have been listening to Katy Perry's Thinking of You over and over again (yes, I'm a freak). Every song has a story. Then I called my mom and my brother :) Ikhwan says I'm homesick cause I call home almost everyday.

Its surprising when you are alone and there's this push factor that makes you do things you didn't even dream of accomplishing.

The grocery shop closes on Sundays and we were out the whole day on Friday (Heidelberg) and Saturday (Metzingen) and came back really late and tired to buy food. So we went grocery shopping yesterday evening after Ikhwan came back from work. During tea time, I made baked potatoes. Surprisingly, he said, 'this is insanely sedap la'. Though it might sound like a mere 3 second sentence, but for me, it was best comment so far and I shall remember it.

Since we have chicken now, I made ayam masak merah (totally push factor) and hopefully he will like it. I'm not a good cook but I cook with love. maybe it will reach him.. somehow..

Sure u might say, 'maybe its the just married factor where everything is pretty and nice, sugar and spice..' So what if it is ? Let me have this since we will be apart for awhile by end of this month and it's not gonna be easy.. we had a taste of perfection but later we have to endure the time difference factor, cost factor, puasa factor, raya factor and all the other factors. and it all sums up like the factorization method, the long distance inter-regional marriage (LDIRM) factor. Not the usual weekend husband/wife. However, this is our fate. This is how Allah has written for us.. I consider myself lucky. It could be worse. Alhamdulillah Allah made it easy for me :)

Remember I wrote about changing points? Going back is gonna be the worse change point ever and I dont know if i am strong enough to deal with it..

cause in your eyes i'd like to stay.. stay...

But I know I am not alone..

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hard candy

My whole life I have been trying to gain some weight. After being called, papan (stick), bini Popeye (Popeye's wife), kurus kelingking (what's that all about) and other names that describes my thinness, finally, alhamdulillah, I have gained some significant weight :) **smiley smiley** no no.. dont think that it's THAT ok.. i have simply gained weight because Ikhwan buys me a lot of things.. mainly food :p chocolates and yogurt.. and milk and chocolates again and again and again..

We are planning to go to Heidelberg this weekend insha Allah and some other places in Europe (to be determined soon) with some friends who are currently residing in Germany as well.. Im starting to get used to waking up at 5am.. though sometimes i still get freaked out at the fact that the sun is still shining brightly at 8pm..not that I am complaining. I love the sun :) Maghrib prayers is at 938pm and Isya' is around 1145pm..

Yesterday Ikhwan wanted to treat me for dinner at a restaurant.. and being his punctual self, he says 5pm we leave.. and 5pm it was.. not even a minute late.. but then we realized that the buffet starts at 6pm so we hung out at the grocery store to kill time.. and of course.. we bought more food.. more chocolates and cookies.. and when it was almost 6pm.. it rained heavily and we had to head back home.. we walked in the rain sharing one umbrella and somehow it was kind of romantic.. hehe.. then I looked at him and I felt like I was in some hindustani movie (only that there were no people from behind the trees dancing simultaneously at the background hehehe.. it would be freaky if that happened though..). when we reached home, were soaking wet and very very superbly hungry..

and suddenly it hit me. Im a wife. I mean, yes I know that I am a wife.. but at that time, it really really hit me. I dont know why.

I prepared the Delifrance bread we bought at the grocery store. I baked it with some cheese and butter. And it was nice (surprisingly). And I heated the roti canai and made coffee for him.. And while he was eating and watching CNN, there were flashbacks about when we first met on 1st September 2005 at San Francisco Coffee. Then, I looked around and thought, roti canai, coffee after being soaking wet in the rain. It's just like San Francisco Coffee's tagline, 'Life is good' .

This is an amazing experience. Its like Indian summer in the middle of winter..like a hard candy with surprised center..

Alhamdulillah.

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my wedding montage

hey people.. this is my wedding montage.. we decided to put the pictures of the akad. credits to my cousin, Alif Abu Bakar, the photographer, my cousin Kak Mimi and her husband A. Amir who did a fabulous job :) kudos!

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